I have an opinion, that feels like truth to me. It may not feel like truth to you. That's okay. But I've thought about this, and maybe you've thought about it too. So here's my thought,
The warrior mentality is not always useful.
I work in oncology. Some people are helped by adopting the warrior mentality. But others are hurt by it. And it can be hard to talk about.
Because "never stop fighting," Never quit,"and "never give up," sound like good things. Things you should do. And it can make you feel guilty if you don't want that. If you want to quit.
There are times the warrior mentality can serve you. Like when you are doing warrior stuff. I enjoy martial arts. I've spent years in Judo and Krav Maga at different times in my life. They have served me well in developing myself in positive ways. In Krav Maga while testing for a belt advancement or certification, I wanted to quit. I felt like maybe I didn't belong there. That I wasn't fit enough to do it. So you lean on the warrior mentality, and you decide, "No, I will not quit. I will finish. No matter what." And I got through and passed them. I did a triathlon, and a half marathon that I was not as prepared for as I had planned to be. I decided not to quit, even though I most definitely considered it. I decided the benefit of finishing - being able to say I completed a hard thing, was better than the cost of quitting - stop feeling physical pain but knowing I never finished, when maybe I could have if I kept going.
I enjoy whitewater kayaking. When you flip in your kayak and are underwater being pushed around and holding your breath, it's definitely a good thing to not quit trying to get back above water. But there is more than one way to accomplish that. Sometimes you keep trying and hit your roll. Sometimes you can use a friends boat for a bow rescue to right yourself. And sometimes you pop the splash skirt and bail out so you can breathe again. You didn't stay in the boat, but you got back above the water. You quit trying to roll, and did something else to get to air.
You had to quit one thing - staying in the boat, to achieve the thing that was better for you - breathing.
Sometimes, you quit, because something doesn't serve you. You weigh the options, and choose something else. Being a nurse for 17 years, spanning 5 different specialties, I have definitely seen times when it can be harmful. "Battling cancer," can be one of those times. It can force you to thinking you have only one option. You do absolutely anything possible to stay alive.
But it isn't. It isn't the only option. You have choices. And you can choose what serves you better.
There are things it is okay to quit. Quit smoking. That's good thing. Really, we tell ourselves to never quit good things, but to quit bad things. And sometimes, we aren't sure what the "good" thing is, or what the "bad" thing is. And we have inner conflict. We feel confused. We feel guilt.
A synonym for quit is stop. We all know there are certainly things that it is good, or okay, to stop. It is good to stop at a red light. It is good to stop the water to an overflowing toilet. It is okay to stop seeing someone if the relationship is hurting you in some way. It is okay to decide your cancer treatment isn't good for you anymore. And it is okay to ask for help when you need to.
Many decisions when you are uncertain will come down to cost versus benefit. When the cost outweighs the benefit, we decide against it. When the benefit seems higher than the cost, we decide in favor for it. One thing to remember, is those costs and benefits aren't fixed. They can change. Something that you felt served you at one time, doesn't benefit you anymore.
That can be your decision to do chemotherapy versus not. You can decide that the benefit of treatment outweighs the cost or risk of no treatment. Life can be better with less pain with treatment, so you do it. And at some point, you might find yourself in a position where life without treatment is better than life with treatment. When the treatment is worse than the disease, it's okay to stop. It's not giving up. It is choosing what is better for you.
This can also be end of life decisions for someone else. Do I keep telling the doctors to please do everything? Do I tell them to stop. To let someone die peacefully. It can feel like you are quitting on them. Really, the decision isn't quit or not quit, it is "what serves them better." And it's hard, but you don't have to make it alone. You can let people help you make an incredibly hard, overwhelming decision.
I haven't had to cope with a personal cancer diagnosis, or end of life decisions for someone I love. I have had to cope with depression. A battle is certainly what it feels like. A warrior mentality feels like a useless platitude sometimes. Not always. It can be a helpful coping mechanism. But you can't always get there. And the hardest part about it, is your good versus bad perception can be altered. Brains don't process things the same way when they are sick. I've been suicidal before. I can attest that you can think dying is the good choice, and living is the choice that hurts you, or others. When your thinker is functioning well, that seems like it wouldn't ever make sense. It's because it doesn't. If you love someone who has committed suicide and you are trying to make sense of it, I'm sorry, but it won't. Because it comes from a place of broken reason. If you are struggling with it yourself, I'm sorry your thinker malfunctions. Mine still does, but not as bad as it used to. Because there are ways to cope, and I slowly learned more of them. There are medications that help, but it can take a lot of tries to find the right ones. There's help. I promise there is help. And there's hope.
Warrior mentality can be good, it can be harmful
stopping can be good, it can be bad
Nothing is ever always right, or always wrong.
My decision making process (when it isn't "I want it so I'll have it." End of thinking), weighs things in cost versus benefit. And sometimes I can't figure out what serves me better, and I include other people I trust, who have knowledge, and experience, and brains that work in different ways than mine so I can make better decisions.
I don't want people to feel guilted into extending their life past the point of misery because medicine could keep them alive. I've seen a lot of people think stopping treatment would be like choosing to die. Like committing suicide. It isn't. It is choosing to live the time that you have the best way you can. And that's okay. It's not shameful. It's brave. It is hard, and it is brave.
I also hope that people who have to face depression can believe that living doesn't have to be misery. You can start and continue medicine that makes your life better. It will probably take trying more than one, or two, or even ten. It can be going through multiple therapists and physicians to find a good fit. I'm sorry, yes it can be discouraging. Believe me I know. You can learn what to do to recognize the signs and change course before you get to a dark place. You can learn how to get free of the dark places. You can get better at learning how to live. Having a mental health diagnosis isn't shameful. And facing it is brave. It is hard and it is brave.
If you've seen the tangled fairy tale play Into the Woods, you're familiar with the song "You Are Not Alone." Perhaps it sums up these very late night ruminations.
Who can say what's true?
Nothing's quite so clear now
Do things, fight things
Feel you've lost your way?
But--
You decide, but
You are not alone
Believe me,
No one is alone
...
You decide what's right
You decide what's good
Someone is on your side
Just don't let it go
Things will come out right now
We can make it so
Someone is on your side
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