omniscient, omnipresent, sneaky

I recently decided, semi-suddenly, to leave Utah and Return to Idaho. There were a number of reasons why I wanted to move. The suddenness is a little hard to really explain. Really it seems impulsive, which I definitely am sometimes. I definitely want to go back to be closer to family, and I really didn't know how I could keep pulling myself away from them to return to work. I will miss some of my co-workers, as it really was a good place to work. I will miss my martial arts club. I doubt there is a better group of people to learn with anywhere, they are all really stand-up people and fun to be with. But even though those things were going well, I really haven't been thriving here lately. I think more than anything I've been slipping. I don't remember how that started, but it definitely snowballed. I've been experiencing somewhat of a "crisis of faith" lately. I kept getting more and more annoyed with the "miracles" people saw in what I thought were kind of dumb things, and with all of the...I don't know if it would be blind faith, or absolute faith in something that really wasn't promised and the lack of common sense some people showed. It probably all started with a bad attitude one day that just grew like a mutant monster. It shouldn't have happened, but it did, and I couldn't find how to get back on track.
Maybe that's where the suddenness of the move came from. A necessity for the reflection that came with packing. It went fairly quickly for awhile. Then I found some college English papers. I started reading and laughed at how clever I still think I am when writing papers like that. I thought I was pretty hot stuff then, and pretty much still do. I also laughed at how much I reused papers for different classes. I realized one persuasive essay became a research paper in my next class. Some stories are worth sharing more than once I guess :) Anyway, just after that I packed my journals, without really looking at them at all. Later, I started packing my bedside drawer and found another journal. I pulled it out and glanced at the back pages where it had opened to easily. I realized it was the journal that finished in the months after my mission. I had a lot of trouble with coming home early. I still struggle with that sometimes. I guess it's a button that's easy to push. Whenever I've gotten some new insight about it and regained peace it wasn't long before it was gone again. When I left everyone said they were proud of me, and coming home was, well, awkward for everyone. I'd forgotten that shortly after I'd come home I had one of those peaceful moments. Part of it came from Sister Meredith, who told me I was like Abraham. God asked him to sacrifice Isaac, knowing he would do it, but he wanted Abraham to know that he would do anything he was commanded. It was a learning experience for him that he needed. So going on a mission was God asking me to do something that was really the hardest thing he could ask, to allow me to learn that I would do it. That I would give all I could if He asked. Once that and a few other lessons were in place, it was okay to return home, because I would have stayed if He asked it of me, but He didn't.
The other was a page that I put in that was a spirit prompting feeding off of a few sister missionaries and a couple mission presidents.
"The common phrase of a missionary is "I'm giving/I gave 2 years of my life to the Lord." I gave the Lord 4 months of service as a missionary, or rather, he's given me the blessing of having served for a short time as a full-time missionary - set apart as a representative of Him. But, he's had my life longer than that. I gave that to Him, and continue to dedicate more of myself to my God, long ago and day after day. I didn't give a portion of my life - I'm trying to give Him all of it. All my might, mind and strength, and especially heart. I was and will continue to be a missionary before and after the name tag. I took his name upon me before I put on the tag, and my goal is to live always as a recognizable example for Christ - without the tag. Always a missionary, always His disciple."
I don't remember feeling that way the day after I got home, but apparently I did, because the date doesn't lie. I don't know how much longer that kick start for a change of heart would have taken without packing up my life again. I guess that's a big plug for journal keeping, because that's where the spirit found it's opening to come flooding back in and clean house a little.
I don't want anyone to be thinking I've strayed wildly from the straight and narrow or iron rod. It's been more like sitting on the side throwing a fit. The kind kids do when the task at hand just takes sooo long.
So, God knows what we need now, and will need later, and is ever present - even in packing. Of course occasionally, I find myself thinking that He must think he's pretty clever too sometimes, and likes being sneaky.